Analyzing Narcissists from the perspective of a victim of a Narcissistic father

All derived from experience from my NPD biological "father".

Narcissism is a defense strategy. They behave as they do because in their mind, the alternative is worse. They can't ever truthfully acknowledge to themselves (and by extent others) that they've done wrong, because if they do, a lifetime of guilt and remorse will collapse their psyche. Which traps them where they are. And similarly, their victims' general need to have their pain acknowledged likewise traps them in the narcissist's orbit. What they want most is the one thing that a narcissist cannot provide. They cannot see you as you are: it's too painful for them, so they wrap you in a huge ball of denial at all times [3]. I think this is why estranged parents don't "get it". They are very reactive to those internal states with little to no awareness of said internal states, a dangerous combination [10].

I think that many narcissists lack empathy because it became a coping mechanism in childhood. For them, it's "I will become so great that no-one could ever blame me," and it's very, very, toxic. Instead of coming to the realization that they would never want to treat anyone the way they've been treated, they flip and do the exact opposite. They terrorize their children in order to punish them for "taking advantage of their kindness", for being "leeches" on their "hard work," etc. Narcissistic parents hate feeling accountable for the emotional needs of others. They do it because it's a means of control. They do it because it means that their children will be so terrified of them, that they will jump high to please them; eventually becoming trained to jump without being told to do so. This satisfies them because it ensures their needs are being met at the cost of your own. Narcissistic parents lack empathy because it maintains Narcissistic supply; by lacking empathy, their children will yearn for their approval, and become submissive in the process. Narcissistic supply can mean anything, but it primarily refers to the cathartic outpouring they receive when their children react emotionally (tears, anger, happiness at a gift they've given them, etc). As long as the child's feelings are focused on them, it's gratifying because they feel they are the one and only constant in their children's lives. It also becomes a bragging right. They lack genuine emotions, it's a spectrum of entitlement and anger (and fear), but not much else between. They are severely insecure people, and like a playground bully, seek to harm others in order to feel better about themselves. Many of them are so hurt, that despite "making a better lives for their children," that they become jealous. They wish they had a parent like themselves, when they were younger (remember, narcissists think they cannot commit any wrongdoing). So instead of being happy that they can do better by their children, they seek to consciously (yet unconsciously) project their suffering onto their children. The mentality becomes, "If I had to suffer, and still came out "fine,"; then so will you!" [4]

I do think that somewhere, very young, they had to have made a decision. That they were going to be the pain instead of suffering the pain. We victims didn't. Which is why you and I are here now. So regardless of whatever abuse or neglect they suffered, which according to the literature isn't even as much as what they put on us for the most part, there was somewhere they made a conscious decision that they were going to be the pain inflictor instead of the pain victim [5]. In other words, they don't know what empathy feels like because they were never shown any as children and they were never allowed to develop the critical skill of extending empathy to themselves [6]. They are unable to connect on an emotional level - but they can pretend really well. They are missing the thing that makes people human - caring, compassion, empathy, real love... They fake it because that performance allows them to get close to real humans and form what their victims mistake for a relationship. They are callous and calculating and manipulative liars and hypocrites. We mean nothing to them other than satisfy their ego [7] Narcissists at best see their loved ones like family as possessions and something they must protect and care for them but the feeling. Theoretically it is possible for some Narcissists to feel genuine empathy, so to speak. It’s just “buried” most of the time because they have a lot of unprocessed feelings up their own plate. If they learn how to make space for their own feelings, they can learn how to make space for others, and thus, also empathize [8]. Someone who has NPD (which is a pathology) can’t feel “true empathy” by simple definition. They can develop cognitive empathy, but since “true/real” empathy is a feeling, i think the answer would be no. But let’s remember a narcissist isn’t the same as someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, there’s people who don’t have the disorder yet have a number of narcissistic traits so they could be called narcissistic. Those may or may not have empathy, but when talking precisely about NPD, us who have it feel little to no “real” empathy, talking about the feeling, not the one we can develop through cognition. I think many might disagree with me but I’ve done a lot of research and i think the line between real empathy and cognitive empathy is pretty clear. Let’s have in mind cognitive empathy isn’t real/true emotional empathy [9].

One of the most dangerous aspects of people with NPD is that they gaslight people into believing their own delusions, ideas, etc. Gaslighting comes from the movie "Gaslight." If you watch the movie, you will see that the abuser does all kinds of little tricks to make the victim believe that the victim is going crazy, that there is something wrong with her. The abuser does this for a reason, because they intend to have the victim declared insane, to be able to control the victim's wealth and possessions, and to search through those possessions for a item the abuser wants.

The whole point of the movie is to make the victim believe that reality isn't real, and that the victim is doing these odd things that seem to be happening around her. But it's the abuser doing these odd things, and blaming the victim.

That's gaslighting. It's lies, but it's lies with the intention of making you believe that reality isn't real, and what is real is the delusion that they are feeding you. It makes you feel that you are crazy, because you are questioning what seems to be reality. Gaslighting is intentional. It's malicious. It's meant to make you question reality. It's meant to make you believe them, and not yourself. It's meant to put them in control over you, to make you comply and stop questioning them [13]. Narcissists really like assuming they know exactly how you function and exactly what you are doing all the time (regardless if they are correct or not) [1]. My experience is that they can be good at reading others and mirroring. In my mind they are like human lock picks that learn how you work until they unlock you and gain full access. What you feel is someone pushing all the right buttons because you think they must genuinely understand you because of your connection with them [2].

Gaslighting is a tool of abusive and manipulative people, one used heavily by Cluster Bs such as NPD people. The point and purpose of gaslighting is to create a campaign to get the victim to doubt their own reality and to not trust their own judgement. As well as to default to that of the abusers. It absolutely is part of the abuse cycle of people with NPD. As this is a common pattern, some people wonder if they are all reading the same book or going to the same web site or something along those lines. And the answer is no, not at all. It's actually very simple. Once you realize that everything, including what victims see as the "good parts" or the "real person" in the idealizing segment of abuse is fake. It's a con. It's all a lie made to lure you into place to be able to lock in to some extent to use as a resource. So they are not sitting at a basement workbench with blue prints on how to do that. Whats really happening is really a simple process. They learn like anyone else does. Through trial and error. At some point you did not know how to open a door by using a knob. You watched others, and practiced, and over time learned if you reached out, grabbed the knob, and pulled/pushed the door, it would open. Once you learn it, you can apply the same rules to newer circumstances. You know to open an elevator to push a button. You learn how to use automatic doors, etc.

So they learn through trial and error starting very young. Thats because they valued this, the end result of the process. That is what is important to them. Lacking things like empathy, compassion, conscience, guilt, etc you free up a great deal of time, energy and focus. When you apply that to figuring out how to manipulate people, you learn a great deal. And at the end of the day, we are all people. Most of us want to be loved, valued, respected and cared for by people in our lives. Knowing that, the con artists listens to you when they meet you, sees signs like a cold reading would by how you stand, speak, what you wear, how you do things, which are all small representations of what you like, value and think about yourself. And they figure out how to get to you. Once they know what you want to see, they mirror that to pretend to be the perfect partner in whatever way is appropriate. At that stage, once you move into the devaluing segment of abuse, the meat and potatoes, there is certain things that work to break down people. And thats true for most of us. Once you buy into the fake person that they pretend to be as being real, they trade on that. They do things step by step. And hurting you yields the most powerful level of supply to them. The ability to cause great harm, yet keep this person in place to keep harming them, that is pretty much the same and similar person to person. Regardless of your sex, race, size, etc. we are all at bottom not that different, and what differences there are (due to upbringing, experiences, genetics, values, etc.), thats where the cracks show. Thats when you see the mask slip, or start to see the lies, etc. there are always basic conditioning skills to turn that back around on the victim like DARVO. Pushing victims into JADE, gaslighting, etc. The reason they seem similar, is because as human victims we have similar human basic needs. So the step by step process for abuse is similar abuser to abuser. And there really isn’t a separate thing for "narcissistic abuse" like abuse by a person with NPD versus some other PD. All abuse is abuse based upon the same process and patterns. It’s simply what works and they do not need to have NPD or even any Cluster B to be an abuser and follow these patterns. And thats why patterns are there to see, and can be seen by people outside of the relationship when we cannot see them while in the relationship. We are all not that different. They use trial and error and learn. And they are different. They have different levels of violence, different levels of being covert, or more malignant than others. It is a skill set with a significant spectrum [11]. That’s how narcs often set you up - they control you to the extent that you end up controlling yourself on their behalf. [12].

One may notice that many narcissists present themselves differently than how they do to closed ones. This is because they are more concerned with their image and how they are perceived by others than reality.

They don’t actually care about being a morally good person as long as everyone, especially strangers and people they deem as valuable or above them, believe they are. It strokes their ego, which is their entire existence. Everything they do is for their ego. Understanding this will help clarify a lot of their strange behavior [14]. To me, if you need brownie points for every act of goodwill then you are working on your PR, not being an admirable human. While I wouldn't call my narcissistic father a people pleaser, some may have the image of being one but there is a distinction with being a people pleaser and a narcissist who engages in people pleasing behavior. People pleasers are trying to avoid conflict, to protect themselves from other people. Not always, but often they have some kind of trauma or codependency pattern. Many folks raised by narcissists tend to people please because it’s a tool they used to survive childhood. With narcissists, every relationship is transactional. There are philanthropic narcissists, who will use giftgiving and compliments and grand gestures in relationships. Their intention is to manipulate and control people because they feel they are owed something in return, even if it’s not something they ask for right away [15].

As I am still recovering I don't have the best answer on how to heal the trauma from the abuse. It's important to accept that they will never change but that does not mean the same thing as accepting their behavior. Narcissistic behavior will never be acceptable. But accepting the fact that the narcissist will most likely never change is necessary [16]. Another thing to consider is to fully, 100% accept that your Narcissistic abuser (or anyone with narcissistic personality disorder) is actually mentally ill. It’s one thing to think they are crazy in a moment of anger and then quickly regress to their programming, another thing altogether to consciously accept they are not well; that it’s like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder but in this case there is no medication they could take to get help. Also the specific way their disorder manifests itself makes these people avert any sort of meaningful help and so even if there was treatment, they would likely never take it. After that, it’s just about letting these people go. You need to go No Contact. You need to feel free to take care of yourself and finally live life [17].

Healthy, well-adjusted kids choose their own hobbies, and are supported and encouraged by their parents (or at the very least, not criticized for them). Narcissistic parents choose their kids' hobbies for them, and are to perform them in a way that reflects well on them and they can take the credit for. Its just as simple as this - a kid choosing their hobby is a sign of independence, individuality and maturity, and narcissistic parents will not tolerate it in the slightest. For the narcissistic parents, choosing a hobby, or disliking or underperforming in the one they have chosen for you is seen as an act of insubordination, ingratitude, and in more extreme cases, betrayal. It's a trauma response. They are mentally ill (not an excuse, just an explanation). They see other people (especially their children) as extensions of themselves. In their eyes, you are basically a small version of him and he can't understand why you would deviate from his interests. https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/1ap3k1d/why_do_narcs_hate_when_you_have_hobbies_they_dont/

Their Narcissism stems from a deep wound from lack of proper caretaking under the age of 5 (for most it happens before the age of 2). Can be from abandonment, neglect, parents who are dysregulated themselves or not emotionally present. Has to do with the child not receiving adequate care, empathy , and social contact very young, so rather than their world becoming a connected place, their internal world becomes the only world. Their tiny brain is trying to cope and figure out how the world works and because they are on their own, their identity is formed believing only their thoughts and their feelings (and their internal world) matter. This happens simultaneously to them not receiving care/empathy so because empathy wasn't modeled, they can't internalize it and it doesn't form. https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/10f91t3/what_is_the_root_cause_of_narcissism/

Human authenticity is a threat to their overblown yet fragile, fragile egos. They are incapable of truly knowing anyone, including themselves. They are broken children who create fantasies that prop up their false selves and make the world more tolerable, no matter who it hurts. In short, they do what they feel protects themselves, which trumps any conscious notion of right or wrong. https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/1cxmjvg/do_you_think_narcissists_genuinely_believe_what/

They are completely unable to conceptualize that people have inner lives, thoughts and emotions separate from their own.

This manifests in kind of a hilarious way in gift giving. Narcs and incredibly terrible at it. All a normal person has to do is listen to other people and retain the information they learn about their interests, likes , dislikes, etc to be able to go out and buy a decent gift.

Another example is watching movies. Movie plots are gibberish to them because the nuances of acting are just lost on them

The brain wiring in the narcissistic brain just cannot process this. https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/1jyd57u/do_narcissists_not_realize_people_have_their_own/

https://www.quora.com/Does-a-narcissist-literally-see-things-differently

https://www.quora.com/Why-can-a-narcissist-not-see-their-own-problems-when-everyone-around-them-can

https://www.quora.com/How-are-some-Narcissists-so-confident-when-they-are-supposedly-insecure

https://www.quora.com/I-can-t-trust-myself-and-I-keep-gaslighting-myself-and-doubting-everything-I-do-after-I-stopped-talking-to-a-narcissist-What-should-I-do-How-can-I-get-my-self-esteem-back

https://www.quora.com/Do-narcissists-gaslight-on-purpose

[3] https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/1hwqqgy/comment/m63dd96/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

[10] https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/i8lvyx/comment/g19sw2n/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

[4[ https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/m4o89r/comment/gqvk747/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

[5] https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/m4o89r/comment/gqvmkv6/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

[6] https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/1g8n6xw/comment/lszx1ed/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button